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Every once in a while I find a loneliness in the depths of my heart and my spirit. I don’t often go there, but when I do, I am surprised at the intensity. I have really been alone for many years, without a partner. I have dated and lived with men in the last 10 years but never felt the depth of partnership that I wish for. It seems that one of us is on the other page and there is a letdown. I recently connected with an old friend from school. He is in another state and we will reconnect in the physical in less than a month and I am not sure I am ready to connect and determine if there is a spark. I know that we are talking for a reason.

Why do we stay in a relationship that is no longer serving us? Are we in it because we feel that we need someone to love? Or are we afraid that we will forever be alone? We get wrapped up in the moment and because there is an excitement we feel that is this the real thing. We let our emotions get away from us, thinking that he is the one. But is he?

I’ve heard so many people say that they want a 'relationship'. The energy of a relationship is more important than the actual person. Even those people who are in a perfect relationship, have their issues. They disagree, they feel slighted, or the honeymoon energy begins to fade and they are faced with a person that they don’t know.

In a new relationship we become infatuated with someone we barely know. As we get to know someone more deeply, speak to them each day, we find things out about them that makes us question who they really are. Each day more puzzle pieces are added to the whole. At first we see a flat picture, and we like that picture, but as we add more dimensions the lines get blurred. Sometimes we feel as though we have created something and don’t know how to discreate it. We get in over our heads and don’t know how to back out. We make plans in the future that all of a sudden seem unreasonable. But we feel stuck in our earlier decision, and hate to back out. We are afraid to lose face. So we continue the relationship, knowing that it is not the best thing for us. Sometimes we stay in a relationship, taking it as far as getting married, because we don’t know how to back out. We don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings and we trap ourselves rather than speaking our truth.

When we are not honest with ourselves how can we be honest with someone else. It is so important to look deep in our hearts and speak the truth to ourselves about how we feel.

I’m not sure what my decision will be in this exploration of this new relationship. Will it be friendship, mentorship, or a deep lasting relationship? By not putting expectations out, but by living each moment as it comes, I can be true to myself. And by being true to myself I can be true to someone else.

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